Aviation articles by Garth Wallace

Pilots are supposed to be smart. We don’t have to be but passengers like to think we are. For them, it’s good if we appear competent. In the public interest, here is a review of five bloopers that make pilots look exceptionally stupid.
Strangely, we perform the most goofs at airports, often while still on the ground, where there is the largest audience.

STUPID PILOT MISTAKE #1
The first gaffe is popular among pilots who are extra careful. These fliers do walkarounds according to the book, take their time starting the airplane and then run it on the ramp through five minutes of checklist items before they’re ready to taxi. Their radio work might sound like this:

"Local Unicom, this is Cessna one seven two, Alpha Bravo Charlie Delta Echo, transmitting on one two two point eight zero zero, presently at the northside ramp next to the flying club, ready to taxi Alpha Bravo Charlie for a backtrack on Runway 24 for a departure westbound to 4,500 feet, over."

These pilots always check both ways for ramp traffic before releasing the brakes and easing the aircraft forward. The mistake that can catch them is a loose seatbelt caught in the door. There is nothing on their checklists to prevent it. The door has been closed, locked and double-checked but a belt end is waving in the propwash for everyone to see, except the pilot.

This is no big deal until it goes undiscovered into the takeoff. Full power is added on the runway. The belt suddenly vibrates madly. It sounds like the engine is ripping itself from the airframe. The pilot throttles back, the noise decreases. Now he knows for sure that it’s a major engine problem. The takeoff is aborted and the airplane is taxied in. The pilot climbs out and looks under the cowling expecting to see a connecting rod or worse sticking out.
The whole airport watches him knowing it’s the seatbelt jammed in the door.

STUPID PILOT MISTAKE #2
This blunder is usually reserved for less methodical pilots. Pilot #2 has the engine running. He releases the brakes and adds power. The airplane doesn’t move. He adds more power. The roar attracts everyone’s attention. They can see chocks holding the wheels.

The amount of power added before Pilot #2 clues in or gives up is directly proportional to how dumb he will look doing it. If he wants to appear extra foolish, he will radio the office and ask for someone to come out and pull the chocks. No one responds because the idiot pilot who left them there is at the controls with the engine running.

Also in this category are the champion dimwits who step over tie-down ropes during a walkaround but forget to remove them. This generates great stories about cement blocks being dragged to the runway under full power.

STUPID PILOT MISTAKE #3
This can happen to anyone. Pilot #3 is parked on the ramp, the passengers are belted in and the engine is running. He presses the transmit button to call the unicom or ground control frequency prior to taxiing.
"Local Unicom, this is Piper..."

He stops. He has forgotten what airplane he is in. He looks at the instrument panel. There is dried glue where the aircraft registration was displayed. The Aircraft Journey Logbook is in the baggage compartment, with the other documents. No matter how hard he looks, Pilot #3 can’t see the aircraft registration on the outside of the airplane.

If you find yourself in this situation, please don’t ask for help on the radio. Air traffic controllers and unicom operators gleefully wait for the moment a pilot blurts out, "What’s the registration of this airplane?"
"Which airplane?" they reply.
"The Cherokee 140."
"Which Cherokee 140?"
"The one with the engine running on the ramp!"
"Which ramp?"
They can keep you going forever or they’ll end it by saying, "We don’t know."
The next time you can’t remember an aircraft registration, say, "Local Unicom, this is Foxtrot Yankee Oscar Uniform, taxi."
Nobody questions those letters on the air.

STUPID PILOT MISTAKE #4
This lapse is reserved but not confined to younger, more athletic pilots. If they make it into the air without disgracing themselves, they always have the opportunity to prove their Darwin Award potential when they return.

These are the pilots who hang themselves on headset wires when exiting an airplane. The Transportation Safety Board doesn’t track this type of accident but I’ll bet it is common.

A young pilot performing a hero-style leap from the pilot’s seat to the ground following a flight while wearing a headset that’s still plugged in is the perfect picture of a jerk. The chords on these things are just the right length to let a pilot clear the door but not touch the ground before having his head snapped to attention in mid-air.
In these situations the headset never comes off, the wires never break and the plugs never release. Afterward, the headset never works.

STUPID PILOT MISTAKE #5
Pilots proud of hard-won flying time discover that the amount they boast is directly proportional to the superior flying experience of other aviators in the room.

I tell funny flying stories to aviation groups around the country. The laughs are based on my years of full-time flying. I think I’ve done a lot until I meet other pilots after giving a talk.

"Hi, I’m Joe," one of them might say.
"Hi, Joe. What’s your involvement in aviation?" I ask.
"I’m retired but I still fly a little."
"What airplane are you flying these days?" I ask politely.
"A Piper Mirage when I take family."
"Nice airplane," I say. I’ve never flown one.
"Yes, it is but I have more fun in the Stearman."
"Stearman! Now you’re talking real airplanes!" I enthuse. I’ve never been in a Stearman either.
"Did you learn to fly here?" I ask.
"No, in the air force."
"When was that?"
"1950."
"Wow, a while ago."
"Affirmative."
"What did you fly?"
"Sabres, Voodoos, 104s mostly."
"Any combat?"
"Twenty missions, Korea."
"Wow. Have you been flying ever since?"
"A little. Twenty-two thousand hours in the airlines."
"Joe, you don’t look old enough."
"Well thank you. Let me introduce you to my older brother here. Frank flew Lancasters over Germany."